I Thought I loved you---Beatles slash, McLennon
by Beatles-McLennon
Summary: His ears still trained on John's breath while his mind shifted through every memory it had of the sound; every time he had woken up to the sound, every time he had smile upon hearing it. They took over his mind until John's voice broke through the haze of memories that seemed farther away than when Paul had last remembered them. A fictional phone call set around 1979


"I thought I loved you, you know."

It's an odd thing to hear to be honest.

It wasn't something he had expected it, he hadn't expected to ever hear it and after all the years that had past he wasn't sure he even wanted to hear to.

Paul tried to keep his breathing steady but his senses were taken over by a mixture of anger, sadness and a bittersweet happiness he regretted feeling. He could hear John's breathing, raged and almost forced, with a hint of hopefulness that hardly showed.

"Eh, Macca?" John said and Paul could hear the old smile lacing his voice.

"I didn't know." Paul simply said. He clenched his right hand until he burnt his palm with the cigarette he was holding onto for dear life. He hissed in pain and waved his injured hand by his side wildly, Paul focused his eyes on the hand and it's motions but his ears still trained on John's breath while his mind shifted through every memory it had of the sound; every time he had woken up to the sound, every time he had smile upon hearing it. They took over his mind until John's voice broke through the haze of memories that seemed farther away than when Paul had last remembered them.

"I did-well I thought I did." A breath. A pause. "I let you go before I was sure."

Paul tried to smile even though he knew John couldn't see. After a moment Paul gave up. He let his face drop, his eyes droop and his mind was once again taken over by an attack of the past.

"Why'd you call? Just to tell me that? I-I don't know what you expected me to say-"

"I didn't expect you to say anything, in fact I thought you'd have already hung up on my by now." John always had the habit of interrupting Paul when he was going to lose it; John always had the ability to make Paul not angry at him about it.

Paul wasn't sure about what to say. He could have said something-the thing that had been hiding in the back of his thoughts since 1960, it had been covered over the last couple of years but Paul was certain it had still been there-but Paul didn't know if 'now' would have been the right time, despite John thinking it was.

"Paul."

John's voice had the annoying habit to both anger and calm Paul; he wasn't sure which one it was doing now.

"I need to thank you-that's why I called."

Paul leaned against his kitchen counter and rubbed his eyes.

"Thank me? What have I done Lennon?"

"Well…." Paul could hear John chuckle before continuing. "Well, it's something more that I've done but it's because of you."

_(John chooses not to say 'it's always because of you' because he had already made one confession and that was enough, had he said anything a little part of John knew he would go to bed dreaming about a family he could have had)_

"What?" Paul didn't mean to snap but he was tired and confused and angry and John was clouding his thoughts in a way hadn't done in years.

"I-I let you go and I broke away from a family-The Beatles-and I let you go and I-I'm not saying I regret that-I mean I'm not saying I want to go back, just-I wanted to tell you-"John took a breath and Paul has to restrain himself from speaking, his nerves are on fire and he wasn't sure if he wanted to John to continue to talk but still Paul kept his voice down.

"I know better than most how easy it is to cut people out of your life-It's my entire fault, I admit to it. I cut people away and it's so easy. But…..When you find people you want to be with, people that you want to stick around, you have to do all you can to keep them around…Our ships sailed, there's no more 'us' but I-when I think of Yoko, I can't help but think of how I pushed away my first love and I know-I can't do that anymore, I won't do that anymore."

Paul isn't sure how he helped John realise that, he also doesn't want to overthink it and dive into what John meant because he'd already wasted too many years doing that.

"Paul?"

"What do you want me to say?"

Paul could think of thousands of things to say, things he had wanted to say for a long time but he eventually decided against it.

It wasn't hard to think of why.

"Nothing, if I can suggest anything." John's sheepish smile shone through his voice and Paul couldn't stop himself from smiling and for a moment nothing seemed different.

"Perfect." Paul said.

"You or me?" John lamely quipped.

"Honestly? At the moment, both of us." Paul answered and it was the first honest thing he had said during the whole conversation. His walls were gone and his voice was soft and young.

"Never thought that would happen." John mused.

Paul didn't mention it was probably because they weren't together. They needed each other like mad but that maddening need for each other was never supposed to end happily.

"Miracles can happen." Paul said and he whole heartedly believed that.

Being happy after his mums death was a miracle.

Meeting John was a miracle.

Starting a band was a miracle.

Being happy after that family ended was a miracle.

(Meeting Linda was a blessing; Paul believed that just as much.)

"I know." John agrees.

Which is true as well because someone like John confessing all he had confessed, a guy like John finally settling down and being happy with a family…..That was a miracle.

(John was a miracle within himself but Paul doesn't mention that either.)

There's a silence and Paul spares a second hoping John is remembering all the time they had together, all the time that seemed to lost and so short. He, in a brief moment of naivety and hope, wished John was thinking about him.

"Goodbye."

It was the first time Paul had ever been the first one to say it. It had always been John who said and it had broken Paul's heart every time. Paul didn't want to break John's heart but he wanted to prevent his own.

"Ok." John said. A hesitated breath, then a laugh that seemed both content and nostalgic before he continued.

"I'll see you some other time, then?"

Paul had heard that tone before. The hopeful voice broke through all of Paul's anger in such an annoying way that forced Paul to nod, then upon realising John couldn't see him he coughed.

"Sure, sure I-I'll see you later then."

Paul decided to stop talking then, he didn't want to say anything else lest he said something he regretted.

John breathed into the phone for a short while and Paul was sure he was about to speak but then he hung up, Paul cursed in a half-assed way as he realised John was still the first to leave. But it didn't annoy him as much as it used to.

Paul put down the phone and John didn't fill his mind like he used to.

He walked through his house and instead of thinking of his time with The Beatles or his time with John, Paul thought of meeting Linda for the first time, the first time he had seen her at that party. He thought of meeting Heather for the first time, he thought of holding Mary for the first time, holding James for the first time.

For once Paul didn't think about what John was doing.


End file.
